It's not you, it's me. I know it's the oldest excuse in the book, but hey, when it works, it works. Did you really see this lasting longer than a couple months? When does anything last longer than a couple months with me? I hope we can still be friends.
Yeah, 'cause everyone wants to be friends with the ex-lover. Like it ever works.
You know me. You know the type of person that I am. I've never been able to settle down. My heart wanders like a nomad. It seeks shelter where it's offered but only stays long enough to get warm. Attachment isn't an option for me. My mind is too warped. It's too dark to ever let someone in. Truly let someone in.
No, fuck! That's all wrong. It's too personal. Too emotional. Let me try again.
I don't want to do this, but I'm only going to hurt you if I don't. And that's the last thing I want to do. So I'm ending this before it goes too far. I completely understand if you never want to talk to me again.
That would work if it wasn't a complete lie.
I want to hurt you. Cause as much pain as I can. I want to rip you down until the only thing left is your bare bones and beating heart. Just naked and raw and open. Because that's exactly how I feel every time you look at me.
You have this way of seeing straight through my care-free facade. You know when my smile is fake because it doesn't reach my eyes. Or the way I twitch at the sound of glass shattering. Hell, the sound of a glass being knocked over makes the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. And I absolutely love that you know how to brush your hand against mine to make all that anxiety disappear.
When I'm lying in bed unable to sleep because I've been having that dream the last couple nights. I'm afraid to even close my eyes in fear of the images assaulting me but then I hear the faint sound of my phone buzzing three rooms away. With nothing else to do, I might as well check and see if it's an email or voicemail. But it's neither. It's a text. Three simple words. Calm down. Sleep. You're not here, but you know I can't sleep. You can feel it. And I can lay down, curl up under the duvet, and wrap my arms around an extra pillow. Imagine what it would feel like with your arms wrapped around me. Protecting me from those haunting memories. Sleep can finally come.
I don't want to hurt you. I don't think I could ever hurt you. I could never allow anything bad to happen to you. I want to keep you whole and safe. Protected where you don't have to feel naked and raw. No one is going to touch your heart. You can have mine to repair the holes left by those before me. I don't need it anymore. You're my heart now.